2015 - Week 9

You’re fired: Selina, for having the bitchiest resting face of them all. I got the impression Charleine was not unpleased.

I’m fired: In a shock move, Scott let himself go, thanking Lordsirlun for the opportunity to have mixed up a lounge and a dining room. Well it’s all about TV dinners these days. Perhaps Scott will now move to “The Clapham”.

Lucky escape: Joseph Valente who, despite his moustache and braces, just didn’t seem to have the high end demeanour preferred to sell million pound penthouses (in Stratford, but ok). He was most upset that the architect didn’t like his purple shirt, but still paved his uniquely fashionable way – by donning a helmet on backwards.

Location location location #1: “Please buy this flat, no you can’t see a floor plan but it’s in Canary Wharf and did you know my parents are architects in New York and here is a jammy dodger so cheque please thanks.”

Location location location #2: I love South East London, but the beautiful urban landscape of Southern trains and the DLR is a sell indeed.  Still, probably preferable to being tricked into buying the picturesque view that is A Wall.

Valente Towers: Joseph and his vision of a skyscraper bearing his name... What is it with men wanting to build giant penises I mean buildings.

Next week: Healthy snacks like “nutritional yeast”. *Dry retches*

2015 - Week 8

You're fired: David, for starting a party with a monotone health and safety speech. He also only learned to iron last week, so...

Lucky escape: Gary, for spreading rumours about Joseph Valente's nuts.

£££: Two grand for a kid's party?!?!? Max is in for a disappointing childhood.

Apprentice meets Bake Off: Richard would not be getting a Hollywood handshake, that's for sure. And anyone know if Brett's "shock freeze" technique is Mary Berry sanctioned?

Selina's bitchy resting face-watch: 

Selina: "How about a truly clichéd girly-girl girly theme? Pink! Make-up! Pampering! Cupcakes! Handbags! Centuries of gross objectification!"

Party girl: "I'd like a sport theme."

Selina: *cat's bum*

Party bag-gate: I'm just sad this Alan Johnson mask didn't make the cut...

Next week: What could possibly be the best fit for a bunch of incompetent wannabes? Oh yes, they're going to be estate agents.

2015 - Week 7

You're fired: Private Dancer Sam for his inability to use the iPhone calculator function. Though I did enjoy how he rolled his eyes at Sugar's suggestion that maths might be useful in business. 

Lucky escape: Brett somehow managed to "self-preservate".

Irony-watch: Brett announcing that Richard reminded him of David Brent. HAHAHAHAHA! Takes one to know one, eh Brett? I mean, isn't 'a David Brent' is the collective noun for Apprentice candidates?

Smash-watch: Scott thought Brett had threatened to "smash his face in". Lady Brady confirmed didn't say that, he only implied it - so that's fine then. There was one definite smash desire though - Charleine declaring with frenzied relish that smashing Richard was her sales motivation. You could see her strength of feeling in action as she used a nude patent court shoe to hammer something into the wall of their discount outlet. 

Fashion watch: Permission was granted for Joseph Valente to stick his braces over his Discount logo t-shirt and boy was he delighted. I wonder if he added a swoosh of the Impulse body spray they were selling - how very "nineties vintage" to quote a terrifying line our pal Sally once heard.

Next week: Children's party planning and the ominous line "yes I have a nut allergy" from one mum. "Look guys, there's an offer on pistacheo - buy buy buy! Oops! Erm, anyone got an epi-pen?"

2015 - Week 6

You're fired: A triple P45 frenzy! 

You're fired #1: In a shock move, PM Elle wasn't even given the chance to nominate her victims before she was booted out, for failure to lift a paintbrush and excessive Dr Leah lip filler. Oh and GROSS MASSIVE TOTAL INCOMPETENCE. Even by this lot's levels...

You're fired #2: April then got sacked for being a bit snooty, and for thinking an hour of labour for three people should be priced at around the same cost as one tuna salad. 

You're fired #3: And then it was Mergim's turn. Oh Mergim. The Only Way Is Mergim. He made a rousing speech about his refugee background, which did impress. But we must equally remember that during the task he created a large hole in an optician's display wall, tried to "screw in a nail", failed to paint inside the lines of a large rectangle, splattered paint over a sign he wasn't working on, described these massive fuck ups as having "messed up a lickle bit, din I, Lord Sugar?" and then still requested payment from the client. 

Joseph Valente-watch: Apparently "brilliant" according to Elle - well, he did manage to do her PM job as well as all the actual handyman-ing. Also, I've just noticed that he's a latin-named plumber with a tash - so is essentially Super Mario.

What was Selina whining about this week? Being ordered by Brett, the nation's most pedantic man, to scrape used chewing gum from the floor under a million football stands. So for once she has my sympathy. Especially as it turns out they DIDN'T HAVE TO REMOVE THE GUM MY GOD I CAN'T EVEN...

Grand designs: Scott had visions of Kevin McCloud meets Monty Don - promising to entirely relandscape an ex-local authority concrete yard into the gardens of Versailles in less than a day.

Next week: Discount stores in Man-ches-taaaaaaar. 

2015 - Week 5

You're fired: Natalie - for having the sniffles. Oh, and being rubbish at maths, sales and pitching, which some might argue are fairly key Apprentice skills. That I had her in the sweepstake and still shouted at the TV for her sacking speaks volumes. 

Lucky escape: Sam, though with that accent and the words "English Literature degree" on his "rezUmé", it's clear he won't be long for this process. Lord Sugar spat out the term "academic credentials" like it tasted of dog fart.

Literary pretensions #1: Sam talks of filling his children's story with Aristotle and morality. Charleine talks of poo poo and wee wee. 

Literary pretensions #2: Attempts at selling the 'Snottydink' (loves chess, hates rugger) to the first edition booksellers of London. "Limited edition, mate. Right up there with Charlie Dicks and Willy Shakes." "No thank you, please leave now."

Literary pretensions #3: "Bizzie got lost after being tossed." 

"Can I just speak to Daniel pleeeeeeeeeeease?": I don't blame Charleine - I "cleverly" wouldn't want to speak to über-douche Richard either, especially when his advice consists of things like "Just make it sound like the wind is saying it" and he sulks when he's not allowed to single-handedly author the entire book (can you imagine?!!).

Audio-book acting skills: I'll just say it's no surprise to me that Selina can fake-cry on demand.

Was that comic sans? I can't even...

Next week: Handyman wars and what looks like a Mergim v Joseph Valente DIY face-off!

2015 - Week 4

You're fired: Ruth! Waaaaah! Clown (power) suit and pencilled-in eyebrows no more. She'll be missed - just this week she shone, when being in her pants didn't stop her giving a motivational speech to Charleine. 

Lucky escape: Selina, who I can only imagine honed her skills of petulance, sniping and eye-rolling at a particularly bitchy girls' school. Claude has his eye on her, and not in a podium dancer kind of way.

Tenuous link between location and task: We're vaguely near Dr Johnson's house. Dr Johnson wrote a dictionary. He also had a cat. You're off to sell stuff at a pet show!

Mergim-watch: A great week! Firstly, holding out hope that they might be going to Samuel L Jackson's house; secondly, achieving his modelling dream (in a brown rabbit t-shirt); then finally bantering with Mo Farah about the similarities between their achievements (selling animal balloons versus winning The Olympics).

Joseph Valente-watch: Joseph's method of warming up for exercise is rather... pelvic.

Hilarious product of the week: A hi-vis chicken jacket - for all your hi-vis chicken needs. 

Sexism-watch: When (three cat-owner!!!) David was asked to mansplain to Ruth and Selina why a Pimp My Cat Tower was a better sales prospect than a Pimp My Rabbit Hutch. Though, that might have been less about sexism and more about Ruth and Selina...

Next week: Writing a children's book, cause kids will apparently lap up any old crap. Erm, can any of the Apprentii even spell?

2015 - Week 3

You're fired: Dead Weight Jenny, for being arrogantly annoying I think. Her main regret? She wished she'd been on manure. 

Sweepstake £2 down: Sorry Puja. 

Lucky escape: Joseph Valente's moustache survives to mystify another day, but if the boys hadn't won, it would clearly have been the metaphorical guillotine for JV after the merde show he 'managed'. 

Parlez-vous Français? Sam's A-Level French taught him one phrase, "c'est bon", which he trotted out regardless of how "bon" things were (usually, pas très bon). Joseph still required translation every single time. 

Sexism *and* xenophobia-watch: Bonus double whammy with Joseph's observation that the only advantage the girls' team had in negotiation was that "they're all pretty laydeez" which "might sway the odd French man". (Let's just quickly gloss over how he was immediately proved right about the French man bit...)

Two beautiful displays of stupidity in the first five minutes:

1. Elle's guess that Dover was the best port for which foreign destination...? That would be Ireland. 

2. Richard was convinced that Lady Brady's line "Richard and his seven assistants" last week was a compliment, rather than a sarky comment about his dictatorial management skills. 

Mergim-watch: A fairly quiet Mergim week, though I noticed that he likes to relax at home in a leisure wife-beater.

Ruth-watch: She'll shovel shit in a monochrome leopard coat and not stop running for the sake of a measly lost shoe.  

Why does Brett need manure? "For fertilisation purposes". Indeed, Brett's got a nose for bullshit.

Selina v Charleine: It's really quite hard to know which one is more annoying, but Selina lost me when she whined about coming "all the way here just for cheese?" Quoi?!?! 'Just' for cheese? JUST?! Who wouldn't travel to France for cheese!?!? Sweet cheesus. 

Double standards: So a toy dingy is fine but a cardboard skeleton is not?! Felipe must be furious that Felipe did not get away with Felipe buying a toy version of the object when Felipe did the show last year. #justiceforFelipe 

Next time: London Pet Show to see rabbits show-jumping. That's like skipping to the winners' treat already!